The other night as I was pondering in bed after saying my prayers, I was thinking about my parenting and why things have been hard with a particular child. I had just read this parenting article a friend had pinned, and was going over all the things I had been doing wrong. I felt guilty that just a few nights earlier I had been talking to some friends about my frustrations, and I felt like I had betrayed the confidence of my child by talking about her behind her back. That led me to think about other what other things I had been doing wrong. And it was then that it hit me.
Pow.
All this time I had been thinking her behavior was the problem. But it wasn't. It definitely wasn't.
The problem was me.
The problem was the way that I reacted every time she did something that bugged me, the way I got after her when she probably didn't even know what she did that was wrong and why it was wrong.
The problem was me.
I hadn't been giving her the benefit of the doubt, walking a mile in her shoes, or even walking across the living room in her shoes. I was judging her before I fully understood where she was coming from.
And I finally understood.
Kids don't need to be punished. They need to be guided. Kids don't need to be yelled at. They need to be told that they're loved. Kids don't need to be told everything they're doing wrong. They need to be praised for all of their efforts to do what's right.
I thought when my first child arrived, and the hospital gave me no instruction manual, that I would just somehow know what to do. It's called mother's intuition, right? Well, I've learned that I have to earn that intuition, by learning all I can about how to be a parent, and finding out who my children are.
And now that I understand that the change is with me, anything is possible.
8 comments:
Thank you for posting this! I needed to hear all of these words.
So true!!!! I have been thinking a lot about it is so easy to try and change others but we can't because that is taking away their agency the only thing we have control over is ourselves. We have to be the change we want to see in others. Spending an extended times with my family over the holidays made me think a lot about this concept. I'll have to check out the article. thanks for sharing!!!
I agree. It's nice to be reminded to be better. Thanks Robyn! I think all of us needed to read this!!!
such a challenging balancing act. I find it tons easier to give my infant the benefit of the doubt and have less patience with my older one because, well, she should know better. right? or maybe not so much. either way, i am definitely harder on her. i should work on that.
Thanks for the article, I needed to read this today! :) Here is another great one if you want to read more about parenting and discipline. It's from the Arbinger Institute;
everything they publish is amazing!
http://www.arbinger.com/downloads/parenting_pyramid.pdf
Being a parent is so much harder than I ever thought it would be!!!
And I've heard that kids need something like 10 positive comments for any negative comment they get. That's definitely something I need to work on!
Great article - thanks for psting! Sorry we haven't managed to talk yet. I would still like to. Let's try this week, OK?
Why is it the answer always right in front of us, but it's so hard to see? Not that you are the problem, you are a great mother, really a great mother, but it's funny how it just hit you one night like that. I love those moments. They are helping me to be more quick to observe :).
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